Babies

Mr. Ford is very upset with me for inadvertently making him the subject of my blogs (sh*t my husband says anyone?) so I will make every effort possible to leave him out of today's topic. We'll resume the comedy gold that is all of the things he says & does later.

From the time I was old enough to start thinking about conceiving babies, I didn't want any. This stopped in late 2012 & I am very confused.

I know that babies change everything. They change the dynamic of your relationship with your spouse, your finances, your priorities, the cleanliness of your house, your body, your future...They're basically little missiles of destruction. Bombs if you will.

I didn't want any of that. Sticky fingers, diapers, snotty noses... Plus it takes a loaded gun to part me from my money (more on that as the blog progresses-you've noticed the piggy ban in the background haven't you?)

Anyway, lately that's changed. I look at babies everywhere. In public, baby-stalking on facebook, baby books, baby blogs. Yes, that's right, there are baby blogs, even specialised ones for people like me with fetishes. Here's some examples:

Tattooed men with babies
Male celebrities with babies
Hockey players with babies
Soldiers with babies

This is an untapped industry people! Think of the revenue. Greeting cards, calendars, picture books!
Mr. Ford (sorry!) does some pretty crazy things in an attempt to 'get my attention', when really all he would need to do is steal a baby to hold.

I have no idea how the baby fixation came about but I think it was a progression. First live together, get married, be stable in your career, buy your own house, make it your home, get a cat, get a dog...then get told what to do by an inanimate organ. I feel that as an educated, self-aware woman, I should rise above these primal insticts fueled simply by hormones...there should be a drug for this.

I blame most of it on the people around me having babies. Mostly facebook babies with their facebook profiles & facebook friends. How can you convince yourself to not get pregnant when all of those babies are all in your face, clogging up your feed?

On that topic, can I just say, facebook moms, I know you love your babies but they are REALLY NOT as great as you think they are. Every post you make does not need to be praising your child, proclaiming their intelligence, beauty & manners! Your non-mom friends are getting annoyed with you.
And for the record, I've met your baby. It is not that cute. Quit lying to yourself & just play up some of it's actual attributes.
Let me teach you something that's really gonna make your life easier:

"Yeah, he's no Channing Tatum, but he's got a great sense of humour".