I don't go to the gym anymore. I tried it. I hate it.
You shouldn't have to pay for exercise when you have floors to scrub & a dog to walk.
Plus I think gyms have shifted in to becoming a meeting ground & place to socialize nowadays. Also a good place for men to grunt & whistle & be justified in acting like primates. Allow me to entertain you with a list of why I no longer go to the gym.
-The people who leave the machine sweaty & gross
This is just blatant disregard for anyone else as well as a disregard of the rules.
The lemon wipes aren't there to wipe your bum with ... There is no fairy that follows you around to clean up your body fluids off common machines. Don't be a dick.
However, if you go & snatch someone's machine as soon as they get up & sit down while they are on their way to get a lemon wipe, then tough. The person getting the wipe should not be expected to wipe 'around you'.
-Waiters
If there is one way to get me to stay at a gym longer & to do more reps, it's you standing beside the machine & waiting for me to move on. Go away. I know you're looking down my top.
I know that even if I do leave, you will get on the machine so fast that I will not have time to go get a lemon wipe & then other spiteful observers like myself will judge me for not cleaning my machine.
There's half a million other machines for you to use. If you are so intent on doing whatever I am doing, or looking at my tots, use the machine next to me & make the most of your $9.00 admission instead of standing around ya weirdo.
-Weight lifting orgasm-ers
I understand controlling your breathing. I studied Tae Know Do for 4 years & am aware of the physics of breathing. I also understand exertion... but there is something wrong if you are doing your reps & grunting like a horny Johnny Bravo/wildebeest/gorilla. The louder is NOT the better. You sound stupid.
-Clowns
Does anyone like crying & having mascara drip down their face? Then why would you have 8 layers of caked-on make-up when you plan to sweat?
No joke, there are women who spend more time touching up in the mirrors at the Y downtown than on the machines. I imagine gym sessions for these women are like the Lavalife public meetings where they can come out & do some husband hunting. Also looks very dumb.
-Sink hair brushers
Another case of the cleaning fairies not following you around to clean up the messes you don't want to. Are they on strike?
Ladies, I understand what long hair is like. I have hair halfway down my back, I know hair comes out. So you have a choice. Either brush your hair away from the sink or freaking clean that stuff off of it. I am just instantly grossed out seeing that in a sink & it turns my stomach. Be classy, clean your sink. If I owned a gym, that'd be my motto.
-Change room freak-a-leaks
Change rooms are weird. Common shared bathrooms where people are supposed to be comfortable (or not) with other naked people around them?
One time, Mr. Ford went in to the showers to find a man sitting on his behind in the shower scraping the skin off the bottoms of his feet. Mr. dirty feet-bottoms, wouldn't you prefer doing that at home?
Another time, I walked in to the sauna at the gym & found a lady lying in there in a garbage bag. I saw her feet sticking out & thought somebody had killed her until I saw the breathing hole for her face.Oh I see this is a spa, not a crime scene, false alarm Rebecca.
So this point leaves me torn. I respect people's right to be themselves & get the best use out of these public showers ($9.00 remember!!! I'll even admit to forcing Mr. Ford to shower at the gym. Ain't nobody want to pay a high water bill!)
But I am embarrassed for them. I mean what's next? Are you going to give yourself a Brazilian on the baby changing table? Bite off your toenails & eat them? Where do you draw the line for tolerating some patrons 'interesting' rituals & traumatizing others?
-And finally (a guest point from my good friend Casey) doing 2 reps then walking around texting for 10 minutes
Furthermore, I despise cell phones in gyms for anything other than listening to music. Rebecca dated a beefcake once who likely spent more time taking pictures of his beefcake muscles than working-out.
People & their egos. But damn those people who date them are super funny... and sexy.
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