House saga: In the beginning there was chaos

Mr. Ford & I used savings, a generous contribution from my mother, & our wedding gift money to purchase our first house.

It is a 98 year-old 1300 square foot beast. When we bought it it had 5 bedrooms, a sun room, a porch plus a half finished basement & an unfinished attic.

We bought it because we love the character, the ability to grow & the proximity to the city centre that we had grown accustomed to. We also wanted a dog. You are allowed to have dogs in houses.

We, of course were naive home-owners that didn't know a lot about old houses. When viewing the house, we brought a friend who was an ex-Realtor as well as a contractor to give us advise on the house. All we really cared about was that the foundation was solid, the floors weren't rolling & there wasn't any mold  The house passed.

But houses tend to look different when everything is removed from them. Including the un-classy people that inhabited them. That's when we noticed the cracks in the plaster walls, asbestos tile, a furnace with a repair order from hydro & a plugged toilet. Dear god what had we done?

I feel like I should write a couple tips on the home selling process based on having been a buyer & what really upsets us (the people shelling out our life savings & more) about you (people who want our life savings).

Point #1-Please do not  leave garbage in your yards/old phone books on your roof/a lawn full of weeds. No matter how great your location, we will be insulted once we realize that all our money can buy, & all our money will go to someone who clearly doesn't give a sh*t

Point #2-If a crown corporation has left you with an order to fix something (however big or small), you should fix it. At the very least you should let the owners know that you have been given a repair order with a deadline & that it also threatens to turn off your gas services if you do not comply. I don't care if the house is sold in an as-is condition, be forthcoming.

Point #3-When a purchase agreement is made, you agree on a time that the keys are handed over to the lawyer (ie November 1st at 9:00). Please realize that if you are still in the house you sold after said time, you are trespassing & I will beat you with a broom.

Point #4- Do not take a sh*t in the toilet before you leave & not flush it. You should especially not do this if your buyers have paid you twenty grand above your asking price.

Point #5- To my lady homeowners. Please do not flush your tampons down the toilet. It may not clog your drain today, it may not clog tomorrow, but it will clog. Judging by the kind of person who does this, you probably don't care as long as it happens once you're out of there. It is people like you that make me want to propose a tampon clause. If I hire a plumber to clear my toilet, panicking that the line has collapsed & I'm going to have to dig up the yard that I tirelessly landscaped last summer, and instead they come up with a Safeway bag full of tampons, I will be mad. SHAME ON YOU! I am much too pretty to have to deal with a clogged toilet.

Point #6-Do not show your house with a broken mirror in the bathroom. Come on people, it's a mirror. You can get a great one (such as the one a replaced yours with) from Walmart for $30.00.

Do any of you have any home owner horror stories or tips to add to my list?