So this weekend we had a small get together for ungrateful husband's 24th birthday.
Husband decided he wanted a potluck. I would have hosted a dinner party but I guess husband just hates my cooking so much that he wouldn't let me cook for all of his friends, so I had to go along with this potluck concoction. I decided to make homemade salsa, black forest cake & spring rolls.
Fresh salsa is pretty straightforward, it only gets complex when you want to can it to make it last for an extended period of time.
I chopped up 8 Roma tomatoes, a green pepper, 1/2 a red onion, some nuked frozen corn, three garlic cloves & a Serrano pepper. I feel it important to mention that you should NOT touch your eyes a week after you've touched a Serrano. I realized only after I dried my face with a hand towel in the kitchen that I had rubbed my Serrano fingers on it yesterday & my face puffed up & exploded like a sunburned marshmallow. Also, after washing my hands twice the night before & once that morning I put my contacts on only to feel the wrath of the vision lenses of Satan & twirl around the room crying/moaning in pain/running in to things.
Anyways the salsa was good, if you are going to make this, mince the ingredients up with a good knife so you don't have to waste your life pureeing it to the proper consistency & can drink more wine in the kitchen. Get the tortilla chips that are in the cup form to scoop up the juicies.
For some reason the longer this salsa sits in the fridge the more juice/water you get at the bottom. Luckily, this tastes similar to the salad dressing you get when you order a house salad at a sushi restaurant & nothing goes to waste. Here is Rebecca's badass salsa. If I didn't have guests I would have loaded up this b*tch with so much cilantro & it would have been even better.
Ugggghhh...black forest cake. The new bane of my existence. What a freaking pain in the a**.
I don't waste time having to wash a zillion dishes so I just mixed eggs, cocoa, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, vanilla, oil, whole wheat flower & very hot water in a bowl. Put margarine & flower down in two rectangular cake pans, pour in the cake batter & put those suckers in the oven for 35 minutes. After the cakes have cooled, attempt to pop them out of the pans in one piece. Fail miserably & give up for a few minutes. Go back in the kitchen & mould everything together the best you can.
When I first inspected the edges of these cakes I was mad that the corners were crispy. Luckily, if you put it in the fridge overnight the mositure from the rest of the cake will seep over & hydrant them.
Turn one of the cakes upside-down & cover with a can of cherry pie filling (don't go too close to the edges because you'll just make a mess when you put the second cake on top. At this point you've already gone to the LC to try to find 'kirsch' (cherry brandy) to spread in the middle too but since they didn't have any, you've moved on & ignored that stuff.
Now set the other cake upright on top of the first cake/cherry pie filling. This will prove to be difficult because the god damn cake is so moist. Better to do it with two people if you have a significant other who doesn't mind helping you cook for HIS party instead of watching hockey in the basement by himself.
Make icing by mixing 35% cream with icing sugar & flower. Don't be an idiot & use half a litre of cream & then have to figure out what you're going to do with the extra 8 pounds of icing (put it out in the garbage cart that's what!)
Now go back to the grocery store because you forgot to pick-up dark chocolate. Mutter the whole time that you should have just bought a cake for $30.00 & made the birthday boy work a half hour of overtime to compensate for the hit to the food budget. Threaten to beat someone up with your purchases when you are cat-called on the way home.
Spend an hour shaving 60% baker's chocolate with a cheese grater while you watch the vampire diaries in the living room & yell at the dog for trying to steal stray chocolate. Next, sprinkle chocolate flakes over cake. Ponder how the hell bakers get the shavings on the side of the cake. Drink a glass of wine. Improvise by throwing chocolate skip-rock-style at the sides of the cake. Clean-up the HUGE mess you have made in the process.
Finally, drain marishino cherries & arrange on top of cake.
Spring rolls:
Minced Buck choy, leek, carrots, onion, Serranos, cabbage, garlic & shitake. Also great with cilantro, corn, peas, spinach & zucchini. Let minced veggies sit overnight with a touch of oil, salt, pepper & a splash of vinegar.
Lay egg roll wraps out in a diamond shape. Place a tablespoon of filling in the upper-centre of the diamond. Wet finger with warm water & dampen all four edges of the egg roll. Roll the egg roll over top of the filling. Continue to roll until close to the bottom when you can fold the sides in. Cover a non-stick pan with canola or vegetable oil & gently put the rolls in. Turn when browned to taste.
I like dark brown & crunch. My (bad) friend Bryce says that's no good & prefers chewy golden brown. Shake off excess oil & place on a plate on top of paper towels. Serve with plum or hot sauce.
I haven't tried freezing these babies but if I want to delay cooking them for a few days I put them on wax paper on a cookie sheet (not touching) & keep them in a cool or chilled place so they don't get sticky.
I would show you a picture of the spring rolls, but 2 dozen were eaten by guests & of the remaining dozen Mr. Ford gobbled up. I'll show you this instead:
Come potluck/party time, enjoy the bread bowl & spinach dip one of your friends has brought over. Flick your dog's nose every time she gets too close to it with her sniffer. Leave the room unattended while you cook & dumb head does a house tour, come back to find that bad dog has pulled the bread bowl off of the table & licked all of the dip out.
This is the 'poor me, I'm a dog & I think I'm starving so I'll have to steal your salad' face:
I swear to god if it snows today I'm not gonna recycle for A WEEK! I'm not f*cking around mother nature!
