Some *other* things for the people on Maury to do

I watch a lot of Maury.

Maury is sometimes all that can calm my neurotisism & anxiety. A lot of the time I just have it on for the white noise, habit & routine. Other times I pay attention to the stories, am entertained by the ironic jibbering & plot skimming.

Sometimes I just feel reassured to watch people out there with way more personality problems than me. It's kind of like hanging around a hospital when you're casually sick or a seniors home when you feel like you're getting old.

What concerns me about Maury is all the poor little babies whom, without some miraculous intervention, will surely grow up to be the product of their environment.
It's like when they play the 'wild & crazy teen girl' themed shows where the moms come in at their wits end. 

Bless their hearts for having the balls to come on national TV but girlfriend, I got some questions for you that the Maury producers don't seem to want to ask.
What do you do for a living? Where do you live? At what age did you have your children? How many children do you have & most importantly, wheres your baby's father!?!?!
In the eternity that I've been watching Maury I can count on one hand the number of dads coming on with their wild, crazy & out of control teens!

In any case, I feel it comes down to a lot of 'accidental' pregnancies. And it pains me to use that word because as liberal as I am, I don't believe that there are very many situations that constitute a baby being created by 'accident'. You 'accidentally' had sex with your mother's brother's girlfriend. We 'accidentally' ended up in the same room without any pants on. We didn't have a choice!

After careful analysis & soul searching, I've thought of a way that I could help to end accidental pregnancies. Before I could do that, I had to realize the problem & what was causing them. The problem is.. boredom.

My more educated counterparts might say that it's a lack of self-control, forethought, education & resources, cycle of poverty etc etc... but come on now, I don't want to sound like I'm stereotyping here, but when it comes down to it I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts that the majority of the men & women on Maury are unemployed. That frees up a good 9-10 hours a day when you factor in travel time. That coupled with lack of income means that there is little money to entertain oneself with.
I've concluded that all these Maury babies are being created because sex can be fun & it can be free.

For your consideration Maury, I have created a list of free, enjoyable, sex-free activities for you to suggest to your guests. You can thank me later.

1. A good, long, stretch.
2. Filing ones nails
3. Going for a brisk walk
4. patting a cat or dog
5. Reading a Berenstein Bears book from the library
6. Writing a short story
7. Taking a hot bath
8. Volunteering at a school
9. Running through a neighbour's sprinkler
10. Talking to your neighbour about your shared interests
11. Cutting out a bazillion coupons like the women on TLC until the store has to pay out your overage in gift cards
12. Building a fort out of sheets
13. Jumping on your bed
14. Giving yourself a romantic foot massage
15. Making a craft from a toilet paper roll

They really should have some kind of a guest relations consultant & it really should be me. People might say I am judgmental but if you have been on Maury 18 times trying to find the fathers of your 6 children, girlfriend you are not being judged enough!

Tips for reducting costs & stress when planning a wedding

As previously mentioned I know a lot of people planning their wedding right now. I know from personal experience that many brides will want to do all the research & organizing themselves. I get that, this is your special day. Make every last detail your own. What I would like to offer is some things that I wish I had done looking back & also share some tips for what really contributed to the success of my own wedding, starting with:

Setting a number:

Not a guest list number (at least not yet) but a number you are comfortable spending on this day.
Figure out how much you'll be able to put away monthly, or per pay cheque towards the wedding to help you decide on a reasonable date for the wedding.
If friends & family have already offered financial help, include that but I wouldn't include a number that you expect to make on a social or any other estimated gifts. If the money does come in, great & you'll be in even better financial shape.

I think that couples usually end up doing the opposite of this, buying first & seeing how the costs have added up later. I find this impulsive & with this method I feel like money could run out awfully quick.

Pick a logical number based on how much time you have before the big day & how much you're able to set aside. From there, assign a budget for the the ceremony venue, reception venue, food, alcohol, officiant, flowers, dress, tuxedos, jewellery, bridal party gifts, music, decorations, photos, video, hair, make-up, shoes, stationary, favours, cake, guest book, honeymoon, transportation, rings, veil & anything else you might want or need.

Pick a theme with obvious colours:

The theme for my wedding was peacocks, however you can only find so many peacocks (and the zoo won't rent theirs). So as a last case resort, ensure that your theme has vivid & obvious colours that you could use to keep the theme going. I.E. of course the people we hired to produce our chair covers didn't have peacock patterns or brooches, but they did have royal blue sashes.

Wedding Party:

Don't eff this up. Choose REALLY close friends or family. People who make your life easier & not more stressful because personalities quirks tend to get amplified under pressure

Explain to them what you would ask of them as a member of the wedding party & what kind of a price range you'd be looking at as far as attire.
I've had friends with bridesmaids dropping out after months of planning because they couldn't finance a $300 dress (along with costs that can be acquired from throwing a bachelorette party, a wedding shower, buying gifts etc). You might sound maniacal to your friends at first but better to sound crazy from the get-go than go bat sh*t when you're out two members.

Don't scrimp on the guest list:

Getting a large group of people together is hard enough. I will ALWAYS be a strong advocate of inviting everyone you want to be there, even if it means having to save-up longer. In my family I've seen how upset people get if only aunts & uncles are invited & not cousins & then entire branches of the family 'boycot' the event. Save yourself the drama.

Think about things you can make instead of buying:

But don't go so overboard that you stretch yourself too thin.
Homemade aspects of a wedding make things so personal & add character to a wedding. Think about what you could produce as a favour, a centrepiece, a decorator, as gifts for your bridal party or even being your own florist or caterer.

Re purpose:

Trust me, I'm no hippy. Just cheap.
Think of ways that you could re-use or re-purpose something to reduce costs or add character to your wedding.
Most people would not get married in their mother's dress, but considering that veils these days are between $150.00-$400.00, why not use your mom's veil? you can easily cut off any tacky detailing & sew-on your own or hire a seamstress to do it for you.
Another great idea to get the most of your flowers if to make sure the ceremony flowers get shipped over to the reception venue. I spent a fair bit of money an gorgeous blue orchid pew clusters. I then had my set-up & take down crew drive them over to the reception venue & use them as decorations for the mic stand, the bar, cake table etc.

Stationary:

Most stationary people will give you a better rate the more items you hire them to make. This will also ensure that your theme stays consistent across the board. Think about invitations, RSVPs, envelopes, favour tags, wine labels, table numbers, seating chart, menu, name cards & thank-you cards.

Personalizing your ceremony:

Your officiant should be able to present you with some good options but look online for traditions of different cultures & see if they resonate with you.
If you don't have an officiant in mind & don't like the idea of hiring a stranger, Manitoba vital statistics can grant a license either on an annual basis or just a day pass. Ensure that whomever you'd like to do this for you is prepared for public speaking & has a resume, references & can write well-thought-out answers to their mandatory questions. As with all things government related, allow a lot of time for processing.

Know your DJ:

Don't consider your music a detail. I feel that the music can make or break the atmosphere of your wedding.
I went as far as to write a list of songs that I expected to have played at my reception after feeling like a previous DJ we hired did his own thing & didn't listen to what we had asked for.

Make sure your DJ is catering to you, your friends & your family. My favourite weddings are a mix of traditional Manitoba social music, classic dance songs, top 40 with a few of the couple's favourite songs thrown in the mix.

Speeches:

If you're getting married, you'll need a few. At your social, rehearsal dinner & at the wedding (your vows if you're choosing to write your own as well!) Make jokes (people have to laugh, it's your wedding). Think of all the people who have contributed time or money towards this wedding & thank them for it.

Make schedules & to-do lists:

People will offer to help out with your big day. The problem is that a lot of things have to be left to the very last second & it's easy to forget that they need to be done. I.E. if you plan on setting-up/decorating your reception venue yourself, there will likely be another event the night before which restricts you from being able to do things in advance.
Make a list of all the things that need to be done (especially the day of) & let people who offer to help (bless their hearts) choose what they would be willing to take on. Don't be afraid to micro-manage. People in the industry expect it & after you've just dropped tens of thousands of dollars on one day, you're going to want it to go seamlessly.
Print out schedules of where everyone should be at what time & hand them out to your VIPs. That way there'll be no excuse if your florist or caterer is running late & you are free to punch them in the face for ruining your day.

 

Have a tool chest:

The day-of have someone carry: hairspray, Tylenol, bobby pins, a sewing kit, deodorant, tampons, glue for eyelashes & nails & sunscreen. No hot messes at your wedding sista!

Don't forget to plan for the finishing touches:

Buying a necklace or a bra in real life is peanuts. Buying anything related to the wedding industry is insane. All of the prices are jacked up but unless you plan on making your own veil, some of these expenses are unavoidable. Make sure that you've allocated yourself funds for the details I.E, shoes, a bra, jewellery, a hair piece, manicures & pedicures.

TIP!:

In Winnipeg, unless otherwise specified, tipping is customary (so strange how our society works-how are people supposed to know when to tip or not!).
Tips are generally expected from bartenders, drivers, waitstaff, hairstylists, entertainers & make-up people. I don't necessarily agree with this practise but that's a blog for another day. At present time, remember to not be a jerk & tip. To make life easier, entrust a man (or someone in a tuxedo!) with marked enveloped that contain the tip money for each of the recipients along with envelopes for any last minute 'day-of' payments (limo companies will usually take a deposit & expect you to pay the rest on the day of. Hair stylists, make-up professionals & entertainers are other standard 'pay once service is rendered' professionals).

Sign-up for the magazine:

www.weddingsinwinnipeg.ca Say what? A free magazine about weddings/venues/suppliers in this city? This magazine is a dream come true. Sign-up & use the magazine to draw inspiration and/or find suppliers. At the very least, allow it to get you pumped for your own wedding!

Happy planning!

People with no right to your money asking for your money

A whole week with no blog gee whiz!

In all honesty, work is a rampage right now & I have negative time at home with renovating our home & looking for a new one. Also, it was our two year wedding anniversary last week! I know, I know, lucky Mr. Ford that I have the patience to tolerate him for so long.
Best of luck to all the brides planning their own weddings this season. Don't go broke! Maybe I'll write a wedding planning advise column in a future post...

I did manage to get out this weekend on Friday night with the lovely maid of honour & the Mister.
We were headed to the exchange district to have birthday drinks with another bride-to-be. I'm not going to go in to great detail about the encounters on the half an hour walk there, but I will say that they included me calling the cops on a booty-short girl walking down Portage offering to sell weed to every young person she came across, ourselves included (Do I look like a stoner to you? And if so(?) what makes you think that I want your dirty street weed?)
Also included, the very attractive maid of honour having someone yell "YOUR SISTERS HOT!" at her, which seems like an odd thing to say to someone you don't know.
And finally, there was a young man a block away from Whiskey Dix yelling at cars & getting in to a fight with his shirt. To his credit, he shut-up when we walked by.

We had a fun night but Mr. Ford was crying about having to work the next morning so we left about 12:30. This is where the rant really commences.

At Portage & Main we came across a woman who appeared to be in her late 20s or early 30s.
She stopped us, and as normal people would do given they just got stopped by a complete stranger, we kept a safe gap between us. This lady was not one of those hobbling half dead zombie bums that will mutter something unintelligible about needing change. This one was a girthy young lady who could probably do some damage if she so chose.

Girthy bum started our chat by rambling that she promised she wasn't crazy & that she never does this, she's just not the type of person.

She then spent a couple of minutes criticising the 'look' maid-of-honour was giving her. Girthy bum believed that 'the look' was inappropriate & that maid-of-honour was judging her based on that look that she had already received ten times that night. 'The look' by the way was blank, with a warranted touch of impatience at that point.

After Girthy bum was done 'breaking the ice' with her random coke rant about 'a look' which she had apparently viewed ten times before so she might have had it confused for 'a human face', she finally proceeded to inform us that:

A-Her friends had taken her out for the night.
B-Her friends had left without her (maybe after she gave them a funny 'look')
C-She was exactly $12.00 short for cab fare home.
D-She had already asked cab drivers (other working people) for a ride but they 'Didn't want to help anybody out'.

She then offered a few seconds of awkward silence because she didn't want to come right out with it & ask for what she could have asked us for 5 minutes ago minus the story.

She then went on to further comment on 'the look' we were giving her (At this point possibly the look of 'Oh you poor little victim, here let me empty my bank account in to your pocket because you made  a bad series of decisions & someone else should bail you out'). Following this, was another shpiel of how she wasn't drunk or crazy.

In an effort to prove to us that she was just a one-time-bum & not a career-bum, she then:

A-Pointed to her feet to show us what she claimed to be $200.00 shoes,
B-Referenced her 'fancy' newer Samsung cellphone,
C-Stated that she just wanted to get home to her little girl.

Great. Lay it on thick there lady with more expensive nails than mine. Are you sure that's all? Don't you have a sick grandma you need to buy a plane ticket to visit? How about your cat that just got run over by a car & you can't afford to pay the vet to save it's life?

Mr. Ford must have been on the same mind track. Being that Madame Girth had a Guess purse & being that she had just explained to us that she was a rather wealthy bum, he very respectfully suggested that she go to the bar we were just in as they were still open & had an ATM machine. This is probably my favourite excuse yet:

"That'd be great if I wasn't getting paid until next week."

Funny, I'm not getting paid until next week either yet I still seem to be a good candidate for paying your way.

We respectfully declined helping her & were upset about the encounter all the way home.

I started to imagine what I would do if I was without a ride home.

First thing that comes to mind would be calling someone on my fancy cellphone & apologising profusely to the person I would have woken up.

If I should have become stranded before 1:30, I would know that buses are still running. If I didn't know if they were running or where to catch one, 311 operates 24 hours a day & 7 days a week to tell me so.

I would find an ATM & take out $20.00 because I would never allow myself to have $0 in my bank account. If I ever did, I'd eat the overdraft fee (which is waived in a lot of banking plans anyway).

All in all, I am pretty sure I would rather walk for 3 hours than guilt someone else in to paying for my bad decisions.
All of that being said though, I do worry because I know that purses get stolen, cars get towed & unexpected situations happen. If there was a way of telling that this person actually lost their wallet or get mugged, I would be happy to help out, but the criminals out there are sophisticated & you can't tell. The many people who make lying an art are really ruining it for the few victims who were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

In conclusion, as panhandling is not illegal, I am going to do the bums of Winnipeg a favour & offer you some advice for how to get something from me:

1. If you are hungry, ask for food not change.
2. If you need a ride, ask for bus fare, not change
3. Don't smoke when you are asking for money. I can't afford to smoke & neither should you.
4. If someone gives you money, don't ask for more. There's very few things I can think of more douchbag-gy than that.
5. Don't ask for a specific amount of money. You don't have the right to decide what other people will choose to give as charity/drug money

And finally:

6. If you are trying to buy weed, be up front about it. I won't give you any money to support your addiction, but people will respect you more for your honesty & you won't completely lose every ounce of your dignity.

Mr. Ford's idea of 'sacrificing'

Mr. Ford & I are in couple's therapy because he needs to be fixed.
Boy oh boy I don't run out of things to tell that poor therapist. On our next visit I'm going to talk about how he thinks we live like peasants whilst in reality we live quite well.

The talk of 'making sacrifices' & reducing our non-essential living expenses has really been kicked in to high gear recently.

The reasons are:
#1- We are going to Europe in January & although I have savings going in to a hypothetical 'travel fund' every month, it helps to have added security & ease of mind for us to cut down on our expenses now & not have to worry about our funds getting low around Christmas time.

#2- We need to move. Our house is completely livable but we are not the type to just sit still & live in it. We don't have kids (because SOME people won't get their wives pregnant) so why not put money in to a house to make it better?

Problem is when you've put so much money in to your house that it exceeds the general value of the neighbourhood & you run the risk of not making the money back when you sell.
This is where Mr. Ford & I are at. In just over a year & a half we've put 20 grand in to the house. Hopefully buyers will see that but maybe they won't look at it because it's out of the price range of the general buyer in this neighbourhood... worrisome.
This is why we need to move to a neighbourhood where there is a variety of classes & where houses have room to appreciate. Plus, it'd be kind of nice to upgrade. Not have quite a to do list & relax a little more.

In any case, Mr. Ford, upon reviewing the budget, had the opinion that we shouldn't move because he doesn't want to pay a higher mortgage & 'sacrifice more'. Ugh. Rest assured I am shaking my head while I type this. Shaking it so very hard...

He proceeded to criticise a budget that includes funds for 25 Jets games, 50/50 draws at each of those games, ONE gym membershiphis, a gazillion dollars worth of jarred sand (protein powders), soccer & hockey leagues, donations, entertainment, restaurants, clothes & gifts. WELL GEEZ I GUESS WE MUST BE LIVING ON THE VERGE OF POVERTY! *HEAD SHAKE, HEAD SHAKE*

He has said (and I quote) "What more is there for us to give up!?"

Thankfully, Mr. Ford has slept on this & has decided that I am right. Again. And we should move.
I like to remind him that he should not question my judgement, look who I picked...

As much as I criticise his spending habits (because it's so easy) I do try to do everything I can to keep the money that get shelled out on account of me to a minimum. But really, I don't have much in the name of bad spending habits.
I like the occasional bubble tea. Once in a while when Mr. Ford abandons me to play hockey I'll buy a $2.00 movie on PVR, Luibov eats my shoes & from time to time I'll replace a pair... seriously? That's it?

Yep, I guess you-know-who doesn't need to give up his protein powders & risk being even less beefy & I guess he should pay to exercise instead of taking the dog for a run... he must have some pretty strange thoughts going through his mind to know all of this but still feels that he has a leg to stand on when he says that he has no way of saving us some money.

Mr Ford is sneaky that way. I don't know where he got that quiet, sneaky gene as Mr. Ford senior is blind & you can here him rattling by from a mile away.

To illustrate how sneaky Mr. Ford's mind is, lets talk about his eating habits.

Mr Ford likes to have his 'own' food. Food that just he likes.
When we go shopping together I try to encourage him to compromise with me & get things that we both like & can have as shared meals. Sounds reasonable enough right? But lo & behold after we go on our family shopping trips to Walmart he'll sneak off to Food Fare & purchase another cart of things that just he likes.

This is how I feel about that:

But here's the kicker, he'll eat the kind we both like BEFORE moving on to his own choices,

An example: Yesterday I made us both salads for lunch. This morning I go to take the balsamic vinaigrette dressing to accompany the salad & poor boy tells me "Noooooo.... that's the kind I want!!!"

WHAT!!!!???

I return to the fridge to show him the other selection of dressings: mandarin orange, ranch, poppyseed, all of which he has bought for himself & I don't use. But that just wont do. He wants to first eat all of the dressing I like before he moves on to the other dressings without having to worry that I'll use any of them (while I parch from eating dry salad).
Its like the freaking hunger games! I know therapist would tell us that we could have just put a small amount of dressing in individual containers but THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

He does the same thing with cereal. As we don't have a car, when we shop for non-perishables, we stock up. I'll buy 2 bags of the honey glazed puffs & he'll buy four bags of choco-crisps.
A couple of weeks later, what should he be doing but enjoying my last bowl of honey puffs before he open the first bag of choco-crisps & gets to eat them all himself without 'fear' of me wanting any.
Same goes for salsas. And when we bought a batch of 20 burfies (milk cakes) from the Indian food restaurant, as soon as I made the mistake of telling him my favourites where the rose ones & I didn't much care for the carrot ones, he breathed a sigh of relief & gobbled up all the rose ones, leaving the carrot flavour in the fridge to eat at his leisure. I feel like I have to compete with my husband over who gets to eat.

The only think that's safe from him is the artisan olives. He hates olives.

Conclusion: Mike (yet again) comes to his senses & acknowledges that I am right about our choices as homeowners without ever actually admitting that I am right (what a travesty...)
Also, everything I like in our house is getting doused in olive juice when he's at hockey tonight.

Saying lyrics out loud in a monotone voice

Lyrics are severely under appreciated these days.

I feel as if we are too buy inventing catchy beats to spend much time fine-tuning the messages we are relaying in the songs. Lyricists are the poets of our generation. One day our great-great-great-great grandkids are going to be reading about the things we've said & done. They will study our government, family structures, religions & arts.I have a feeling our descendants are going to think we are idiots.

Thankfully, there are exceptions. For example, in modern day music we have the likes of Jimmy Eat World, Our Lady Peace, Bright Eyes, Iron & Wine, The Midway State, Jason Mraz, Ben Folds Five & even (sadly) Mr 'pimpin all over the world' himself, Ludacris. In my opinion, the above listed artists are pretty fabulous lyricisits (I said in my opinion! Please don't start a shit-storm on my Facebook because I have one, or tell me to 'get my facts straight' because Our Lady Peace isn't 'technically' modern day music).

With the good come the bad, because we also have Britney Spears, the Black Eyed Peas & Mariah Carey. Sigh.

You think you like an artist? Turn the music down, stop tapping your foot & say the lyrics out loud in a monotone voice (with no melody). I dare you.

To help you discover who sucks, here are some of my personal favorites. Lyrics, that I'll admit to catching myself singing & praising, until I did the out-loud-monotone test:

- And maybe it goes on & on & on & on, when me & you party together. I wish this night would last forever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever

This sounds like your one really weird friend that gets sobby when he's drunk. "Dude, I love partying with you. You're so great. Lets kiss".

-Your are my cinema, I could watch you forever. Action, thriller, I could watch you forever.

Ummm, OK? Is he referring to a girl? Why does he think she's an object. Also, is he stalking her?

-Your stare was holdin, ripped jeans, skin was showin'. Hot night, wind was blowin,. Where you think you're going baby?

This one kills me because it's such a cute beat & I'd love to support upcoming Canadian artists but COME ON! What did each one of those phrases have to do with one another? Its like she was making lyrics out of a random selection of word magnets on a fridge. Do yourself a favour & listen to a lyrically relevant version of this:

-Areumdawo sarangseureowo. Keurae neo hey keurae baro neo hey

Yeah, that... I am still amazed that this song is so popular in Canada & the US. We don't seem to take very well to foreign songs (or at least not as well as the rest of the world).
Comically enough (based on what the music video represents), if you look up the translation on the lyrics, the song is about finding a quality woman who knows how to enjoy life. 'A girl who covers herself but is more sexy that a girl who bares it all' for a guy who 'has bulging ideas rather than muscles'.

Any really bad lyrics that should be on here?

My cat is trying to kill me

This is Bob:

I don't know what the eff I've done to Bob for him to despise me so, evidently we do not have a good rapport.

As you may remember, Bob came to live with us after he was found in a Barbeque in the North End. I've owned a male orange tabby before so I know that they are 'special'. I don't know if the word 'special' really says enough.

When he came to live with us he was a teeny-tiny knobby kneed scratch machine. We went out & made sure we got all of the things he would need; litter box, litter, food, dishes, toys, a collar, cat weed...
When he was 8 months old, we took him to get tattooed & sterilized like the responsible people that we are. This is when we found out Bob had a crippling fear of the outside world. Bob just about shit his hairy pants when we took him down the flight of stairs & to the front door. We realized he needed to be crated. Once crated, he clawed & bit & made a general fuss up until he broke several nails & pulled out several baby teeth (and made the box crate have the general appearance of a nursery school bathroom after old Johnny booger-picker had another nose bleed incident).

The life we have given to Bob, we feel, is a good one.

He has food (meaty selections not seafood. That's his preference), water, a dad who is literally obsessed with him & can't keep his primitive attention span directed on anything if there is a cat in the room to be cuddled with...
We don't let Bob go outside un-haltered as he would leave the yard & get hit by a car. Bob doesn't lack for space though. He was gracefully crated once again when we moved from a 550 sq. foot apartment to a 1600 sq foot home with a basement. He scurried in to a corner & shit cat bricks for a week.
We then brought him home a cat companion. After standing over the tiny kitten, hissing & looking as much like Hitler as a dumb orange cat can look, he accepted Chevy as his BFF.

In return, you might say that Bob has a role that he must fill for us.
He must have his ears cleaned. If he refuses to have his ears cleaned with dignity he must be wrapped up in a strait jacket bath towel to have them cleaned.

Bob must not jump on the table or the counters. Bob 'doesn't yet understand' this rule.
He must not gain any more weight by eating the other cat's food as well as his own.

If Bob could talk, I am sure he would talk with an air of arrogance & entitlement. That is his personality. I don't know how a professional sink clogger can look so smug with himself:

It is because of this personality flaw, and the growing evidence against him, that I realized Bob is trying to do away with me. He believes that I am an inconvenience in his life & he would rather I not be around.

He has tried to claim my life in the following ways:

-Walks under-foot at unpredictable times to force me to fall & hit my head.

-Tries to sniff the inside of the oven rendering me to almost have a heart attack & drop my 350 degree heat Banana chocolate chip bread on my bare feet.

-Slithers through legs while owner carrying a full load of laundry up the stairs causing owner to fall & injure lef previously compromised by the 'falling on ice/fragile evolution' incident.

-Rolls fat lard belly over owner's mouth attempting to benefit from owner's body heat while owner is sleeping/suffocating on the couch.

-and most recently, this:

Taking up a whole stair on the already compromised basement staircase. In the dark. At night.

When these tactics only resulted in my injuries & not in my death, Bob resorted to researching hitmen. After scouring the phone book, he needed to make a call.

'Oh rats!' he thought, 'We don't have a landline'. Asshole cat devised a scheme to steal an iPhone to place his call.

When the hitman didn't speak cat & hung up, Bob resorted to the next best thing: Craigslist. But oh, wait, he doesn't know the password for the Mac. Foiled again!

The good guys always win in the end.

How to get what you want: Budget

I'm not a very talented person. I'm not particularly good at any sports. I have cooking disasters. My crocheting is uneven, I can't paint.
What I can do is fiscally manage my household. This might not seem like a huge skill but considering just two years ago 150 000 Canadians filed for Bankruptcy & considering the typical 'borrower' owes $114,000.00 I'd say we've got something big on our hands.

I haven't reached all of my financial goals in life, but I think I am on my way. I think I am on my way because of discipline, hard work, sacrifices, time management, determination & money management skills. That's the long & short of it. No magical formula & no overnight success.

By far the strangest thing I've learned in the last five years (when I started to become financially responsible) is to not save to much.
This goes against everything that everyone has ever told me which is to save, save save.
Being a young couple with a mortgage throws that theory in the crapper. Thousands of dollars in the bank doesn't buy you a shorter mortgage. It doesn't buy you investments, equity & life experience. That's why I agree that you should have some savings or a 'spare' or 'emergency' fund, but profit or money that isn't eaten up by existing expenses should be put towards principal payments, travel, renovations or other investments.

Without further ado, here is my monthly household budget:

Mortgage: $748.51   Principal Payments: $240.00   Jets tickets: $200.00   50/50: $20.00   Hydro: $150.00 Water bill: $30.00   Property taxes: $80.00   Fresh bins: $161.00   Food: $350.00   Animal maintenance: $30.00   Toiletries: $20.00   Meds: $28.00   Cell phones: $120.00   TV, internet & movies: $85.00   Make-up: $25.00   Bus pass/tickets: $100.00   Restaurants: $250.00   Cab fares: $25.00   Clothes: $50.00   Hair: $35.00   Gym: $45.00   House insurance: $110.00   Gifts: $30.00   Donations: $36.00   Sport leagues: $25.00   other entertainment: $100.00 = $3093.51

Hewwwph.Christ that makes me anxious just thinking about it.

My budget is suited to me & does NOT include credit card debt payments, car payments, car insurance, car repairs, gas/parking.

For those interested in creating a similar budget, here is my best advice:

-Know what you make.
Use information from your T4 or end of year pay cheque to get your pay info as accurate as possible. Alternatively you'd just have to snip 33-34% off your wage to calculate your net pay (minus charitable deductions, ecopasses, health plan etc). If you work off commissions or have fluctuating hours, use high & low pay cheques to make a median income

-Pay off debt first & foremost, but don't over-exert yourself.
Mr. Ford & I paid for our wedding & scrimped & pinched to do without new clothes, shoes & entertainment & it worked...to an extent. You need to expect that you will say yes to an old friend wanting to meet for dinner, to going out for a coffee with a coworker. Don't eliminate unnecessaries completely, just reduce them.

-Buy a house!
Now that I have one I curse all those years (2) of rent that went down the drain.
My mentality was that I wanted to save up for a big down payment so my monthly mortgage payments would be lower. Not a good idea. Not in this market anyway. In two years of just owning my house the government (not knowing any of the renovations & upgrades we'd done) increased it's market value $60,000.00. There'd be no way I could have saved 60 grand in two years. The sooner you buy a house the sooner you build equity.

-Contingency plans
And I don't mean just have 10 grand set aside sitting around waiting for your roof to collapse, that would go against my initial observation that money sitting around doesn't really help you. What I encourage is to have an escape plan in case your furnace DOES conk out. For me, that's removing money that I have allocated to travelling & renovations as these are two things that I want but could survive without. More on that later.

-Over budget & be pleasantly surprised
The goal is to get your consistent numbers (mortgage, gym fee, insurance) as close to the numbers on the bill as possible but when it comes to things like food, clothes & entertainment, this might not always be possible. Be more generous in your allocations to these reserves & be pleasantly surprised when you had more money coming in & staying in than expected.

-Consider payment plans
This was a point I mulled over for a while.
As an example, my Hydro bill changes drastically from winter to summer. When I made my budget I took the highest bill I had & the lowest & calculated the average to put down as my monthly Hydro funding.
This can tend to make me depressed in the dead of January when I've only reserved $150.00 & the bill is $200.00. Hydro has a plan for this where they charge you a flat monthly rate which they overbudget for, & you usually get some money back at the end of the year. City of Winnipeg Municipal taxes has a similar plan. The downside to these plans for me is that I don't see exactly what we are using that month & hence I can't correct it if there's a reason for a big inflation. I wouldn't have had the brilliant idea of turning the heat down to 18 degrees when nobody is home & forcing the cats to cuddle if I hadn't seen a mortifyingly high bill!

-Principal payments
Banks will allow you to pay a certain amount of interest free money on top of your mortgage payments each year. This is brilliant. The arrangement I have with my bank is to pay the minimum amount they will allow on my mortgage & then make principal payments of up to 20% the value of the mortgage every year.

-Have a plan for income tax season
Just as simple as that. Doesn't matter how you do it just make sure you never have to get caught paying. Pay attention to anything you pay for that can be written off as a business aid, make donations, RRSP, pay extra taxes, whatever!

-Revise, revise, revise
The more things change in your life, the more your budget should be altered, even if its just in a single category. That means whenever you get a new job, a new insurance plan, health plan, move etc, etc.

And finally...plan to do more than break even.
Without revealing to you what Mr. Ford & I make, I can tell you that all income tax & expenses considered, we SHOULD be winding up with an extra $1567.00 a month, give or take. That works out to almost $19,000.00 a year. Make it a goal to not spend every last cent on the things that you allow yourself in your monthly budget. Use your spare money to invest in a goal and/or something you want.
For us, that's $14,000.00 a year in renos & $5,000.00 for travelling (you should see how far I can make $5,000.00 go in a third world country).

I hope I don't sound psychotic. By the way, here's Lou, being herself: