Sunday 17 March 2013

Public service advisory


The intent of this blog has never been to control your minds through fear & negative imagery. In fact, I'd like to think that my ramblings are usually on the lighter side which makes me feel like what goes on through my head are mostly happy things. That's good.

Unfortunately there are bad things in this world & since the government isn't taking the proper measures, I'll have to take public safety advisories in to my own hands. DO NOT take this as a joke. I am a little hungover but of completely sound mind when I alert of:

GIANT. WATER. BUGS.

They live among us & since I am one of the few people that has seen them & been traumatized by them, I imagine they must be working with our world's leaders to keep their presence hush-hush.

Belostomatidae are native to, where else? TRANSCONA.

Mr. Ford used to work at the crap-cube of an operation that is the Future Shop on Regent (which has since closed. JUST TRY & tell me that the giant water bugs didn't have something to do WITH THAT!)

I, being the naive wife that I am, would go to meet him at work where we could frequent such fine establishments as the Walmart, Home outfitters, Petland & the movie theatre in Kildonan Place mall. This is when I was exposed to the Water bugs.

It was late summer & the sun was setting as we walked across the vast parking lot headed north to the Kildonan Place Mall. For those of you that don't know (because I certainly didn't), behind the Kildonan Place mall is vast amounts of wet fields & swamps. This is where they hide & inevitably plot their world domination.

But I wasn't in a field. I was in a parking lot. Minding my own business when I just about stepped on a half dead one of these


Oh dear god save us all.
My natural reaction was to, of course, scream like a banshee & run.
This is not a creature of god.
I was convinced that it was a giant mutant cockroach that had somehow infiltrated some kind of chemical waste & had turned itself in to the godzilla of Transcona.It was clucking as it attempted to fly but must have been run over by a monster truck. It was flailing & flipping & just being it's monstrous self. I wanted to run as far away from it as possible, but if there was one, where were the others?



I feel like your first reaction is to convince yourself that I am exaggerating. An over-reaction to a fear of insects or pest animals.
This is not the case.
I spend much of my childhood in a cabin. I've also traveled to slums in Mexico, Cuba & Thailand. I've seen it all & even if I don't particularly like it, I respect it's existence & would not want to object to it's right to live.

Dad & I used to go out by the river in the middle of the night to catch these for fishing:






MaryAnne wouldn't let me have one of these as a pet:





I used to hunt these things to hold proudly & chase sissy girls who didn't like snakes:


Then there was the time I got bit by one of these (I wasn't even that mad!):






I hope that this is sufficient evidence that I am not afraid of nature. This is not nature. This is a monster.





Only the people who have seen these things with their own eyes believe they exist. Such as the ex-employee of the Domo also on Regent where the belostomatidae were attracted to the lights in the fluorescent signs & would occasionally fall from their rafters.

Oh, you didn't know they could fly did you?

You really need to be convinced that these are the bug hell-spawn from all of the Blizzard games.

These things grow around 4 inches long. Before you discredit this size, pick-up your iPhone, place it up against your bicep & imagine an evil cockroach that size climbing up your body to your face to poison you, YES, POISON YOU!

Not only are they scary looking as shit, they are known to bite things, namely toes. Although not a lethal poison, they will stab your extremes causing them to swell up & go numb for two weeks. TWO WEEKS! Dear lord how have we allowed them to slip right under our noses like this!?

The giant water bugs live in streams, ponds & swamps but are attracted to bright lights...similar to the ones in the parking lot at Kildonan Place mall I'm sure. They are found in Canada & the northern US & are seen in late summer & early fall when they leave to look for deep bodies of water & to live under the ice throughout the winter.

Oh & by the way, IT CAN EAT THINGS UP TO FIFTY TIME IT'S SIZE!!!




It's four inches & it eats things fifty times it's size, I am scared for my Beagle's life.
And that's not even the worst part. If it's in the KP mall parking lot, & it flies, what's stopping it from crossing Regent & getting to one of my personal favorite restaurants; MONGOS.
I can't even go in there anymore. All I can imagine are these evil resilient creatures feasting on minced-up shrimp amongst the big containers in the walk-in fridges.

I'm not saying we should go all Simpsons & club these bugs in a water bug wacking spree, but Transcona, you can't be saved. Best to just leave your belongings & escape with your health.



You have been warned.

http://beneficialbugs.org/bugs/Giant_Water_Bug/giant_water_bug.htm

http://www.royalalbertamuseum.ca/natural/insects/bugsfaq/waterbug.htm
http://espacepourlavie.ca/en/insects-arthropods/giant-water-bug







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